Fears and Failures

I have a lot of regrets. I've made a lot of mistakes; choices I wish I could go back and redo, words I wish I could take back, actions that hurt people instead of built them up. I also have a hard time letting go of those mistakes. I hang onto things and play them over and over and over in my head and for some reason I cling to them.

Maybe I cling to them so tightly because it's easier to hold onto things than it is to let go. Maybe I hold on because the future is unpredictable and the past, well that already happened and it doesn't scare me as much as the unknown of tomorrow. Maybe I hold on because I'm scared of losing the good memories that are intertwined with the mistakes and shortcomings. Maybe the reason I cling so tightly is because I'm afraid of making the same mistakes again so I think that if I hold onto them, I'll be able to remind myself NOT to make the same mistake again.

So I cling. I hold on for dear life to my mistakes and failures. Not because I feel better about myself (far from it), but like I said before, there is a sort of 'comfort' in the past because it's what I know. I guess I often feel that when I focus on the future, I realize how many things I could mess up and it scares me. So instead of letting go of my past mistakes and embracing the future with open arms, I hold onto what I know.

But there's no way I can live the life God calls me to live if I don't let go of my mistakes. I believe whole heartedly in the price Jesus paid on the cross and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he has forgiven me for my mistakes, but I have a hard time forgiving myself. So I find myself asking God for forgiveness over and over, but I know deep down inside he's not the one withholding forgiveness; I'm the one whose having a hard time letting go. I also find it a lot easier to forgive other people than to forgive myself. I'm trying to learn to forgive myself for my mistakes, but it's a long process.

My youth pastor gave a sermon a few months ago about God's love and he talked a lot about Hosea and his love for the prostitute, Gomer (what an unfortunate name). God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute and love her to show Israel how strong his love was for them. So Hosea marries Gomer, but Gomer has a hard time accepting his love. She let her past define her. She couldn't let go of her mistakes. She felt like she didn't deserve to be loved by Hosea, so she keeps leaving him to return to her former way of life. But Hosea won't take no for an answer. He goes and buys her back and loves her even though she doesn't think she's worthy.

We can't have the same mindset as Gomer. We can't say "Well that's who I was yesterday and the day before and the day before that, so I'll always be like that. It's just the way things are."

We can't dwell on the past. We can't let our mistakes dictate our futures. I've made mistakes, I've hurt people, I've said things I wish I could take back, but holding onto those mistakes keeps me from being able to take hold of what God has in store for me. It keeps me from becoming the person I was created to be.

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:22-24

So I am learning to let go. Every day I have to make a conscious decision to put off my old self and mistakes and put on the new self that God has so graciously extended to me. I have made mistakes, but I'm called to live a holy, righteous life and that requires letting go and taking hold of what God has in store for me. The future scares me, but I'm learning to let go and cling to the fact that God knows what he's doing; He's got a plan (Jeremiah 29:11).

"So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender"

- Hillsong United